THE VERY VERY VERY VERY BEST OF AMSTERDAM
Hello. Maybe you met me on one of my tours. Hey, maybe you’re on one right now! In which case stop looking at your phone and PAY ATTENTION TO THE TOUR. I AM TOSSING PEARLS AT YOU.
Now.
There is so much to do in Amsterdam. Maybe even too much. It is the greatest city in the world after all. Therefore, I thought that you — tourist, traveller, appreciator of fine things — might also appreciate a little guidance. So, may my honest, humble and beautifully written appraisal of this fine city’s delights bring you pleasure, and hopefully lead to some fine experiences you may otherwise have missed. We’ll start with a picture of me sporting a fading blue beard in a stranger’s boat — as a special treat — then some short-cuts to each section, then we’ll get stuck in with food…
SHORTCUTS — only the first few work. I can’t figure out why. It’s so annoying. I’ll fix it. Soon
BREAKFAST / ASIAN / PIZZA / DUTCH / INTERNATIONAL / SANDWICHES / VEGAN / PUBS / FOOD MARKETS / SHOPPING / COFFEESHOPS / MUSEUMS / PARKS / RANDOM FUN STUFF / AND FINALLY…
FOOD — BREAKFAST
GREENWOODS / WEBSITE / LOCATION 1 / LOCATION 2
Two branches of one of the best breakfast places in Europe, specialising in posh English. Also has a cameo in The Amsterdam Good Murder Guide. Reserve a spot to avoid disappointment. And go hungry.
Don’t be put off by their hyper hipster-chic Instagram page. Normal people eat here too.
An All Day Breakfast menu with some of the city’s best panoramic views, and napkins to match. Go on a clear day.
See everything.
Late breakfast slash early lunch spot. Lovely interior, plus one of the best sun terraces in a predominantly sunless town. Whenever a morning tour doesn’t run, I treat myself to apple pie and coffee here. They also do an excellent vegetarian range. And Rembrandt lived here for a while in 1636. What more do you want? Open from 10am. No cash. (I know, I know.)
Apple pie is breakfast, right?
This is the apple pie they talk about all around the world. And rightly so. Be careful if you turn up with the munchies — you might eat four pieces and puke. They have other stuff too by the way, and with lots of outdoor seating, it’s a great place to sit and watch Amsterdammers doing their thing. Open 7 or 8 till late. Sometimes very late.
Gezellig!
FOOD — ASIAN
Hidden at the top of a Chinese supermarket, this place has very few options, very limited opening hours (12-16, closed Mondays), and it’s far from cheap. But it’s still worth it. One of the best ever. Queues: increasingly likely.
Superior Chinese. Has two branches in the centre — one here, one here — and its own Wikipedia page. Not a place you go to for decor, ambience or pleasant conversations with the staff, but great for lazy, sometimes long, late afternoon lunches.
Best Thai in town? Used to be. Maybe still is, but I’ve heard a few grumbles. Has slightly cheaper lunchtime deals. Featured in a touching scene in The Amsterdam Good Murder Guide. Also, directly across the street is Bird II, a slightly cheaper Thai snackbar where you can sit up in the window and watch the world go by. Like a cat.
Another strong contender for best Thai in town, Ocha is certainly one of the most reasonably priced.
Delicious mostly vegan food with occasional “activities for the body, mind and soul”, e.g. yoga, kirtan and live music on Fridays.
Bon appétit & namaste.
That’s a bloody good photo.
FOOD — PIZZA
In each one of the following places I’ve had pizza that was every bit as good as any pizza I ever had in Italy. And I lived there for four years, and ate pizza everywhere. However, pizza chefs come and go, so there are no guarantees. Still, I’ve yet to be disappointed in any of these places…
LA PERLA / WEBSITE / LOCATION (plus amazing pasta)
DUTCH FOOD, BUT GOOD
WILDLY popular.
This Surinamese eatery and lockdown lifesaver was featured in an Amsterdam daily paper in June 2022 and subsequently became wildly popular. It’s a bit annoying actually. Very busy round 6pm. Situated in the Waterlooplein Metrostation, it’s used mostly for takeaway and does excellent rotis. Not quite to die for, but if they were … Murder She Roti? Anyone?
As good as Dutch food gets. Take that how you will. This place is friendlier and more gezellig than most, but even at its best, Dutch food looks like this…
So think carefully before you decide if you really want it.
Inside, all year round.
75% veggie, 25% vegan, 35% hipster, 100% socially and environmentally conscious. Great food in a unique setting in the north of Amsterdam. Loads of stuff happening in the summer. Look at this!
Outside, in the summer.
I mean, come on. Look at it! So cute!
Residing on the ground floor of Amsterdam’s oldest building (The Old Church, in the heart of the Red Light District), this place has some of the best coffee and cake in town, a courtyard to die for (kind of literally), and a fascinating interior. Great place for a murder.
Pancakes! Upstairs! In a tiny room! Anthony Bourdain came here, if that means anything to you. (But then he also went to FEBO.) Anyway: pancakes! Sweet and savoury, both delicious and both really really bad for you. Enjoy!
Croquettes in a vending machine — a breadcrumbed variation of the Dutch national dish, described by Anthony Bourdain as “Meat of sorts, in tube form.” A Dutch classic. Weirdly amazing when you’re intoxicated. Any other time about as appealing as a human turd. No, come on. Too far.
Most people agree, and daily queues around the block seem to confirm, that these are the best fries in town. Equally, although there are 28 sauces to choose from, most people agree the WAR! sauce is the best. Operates out of a hole in the wall. Very few overheads. They must be raking it in. Good for them.
Stroopwaffels … invented by the Dutch.
These are the two top stroopwaffel houses, both two or three times the price of supermarket stroopwaffels; but three or four times tastier. And fresh. Massive queues at rush hours.
If there were mice in Henri Willig cheeseshops, they would look like this…
This is the cheese shop where they care about the cows. At least, enough to give them massages. Although not enough to stop forcibly impregnating them and stealing their young. But still, if you can bypass the guilt, it’s good cheese and endless free samples.
There are jenever tasting houses all over town, but these guys know how to treat a tourist. Flavours, rituals, fun.
Two minutes from Dam Square.
INTERNATIONAL CUISINE
Mostly Ethiopian & Eritrean food. Amazing vegan range. Melt in the mouth lamb. Best injera in town. Or maybe joint best, along with…
If you come here, try to come with a small bunch of friends and get a massive selection to share. It’s doggy bagtastic.
Second branch of Kili, with longer opening hours and despite its name, plenty of tables.
Delicious Lebanese and Moroccan “healthy deli”, but more of a take-out than eat-in place. Perfect picnic fare. Nowhere near cheap — in fact, expensive — but definitely worth it.
SANDWICHES
Italian snackeria that’s very commonly cited as the best sandwich place in town. And understandably so. Also serves pizza slices.
My own favourite sandwich place. I’ve had some genuinely great canalside moments with these sandwiches. Thanks, Bert.
VEGAN
Moderately upmarket vegan fare, not cheap but undeniably tasty. Hail seitan.
Junk food franchise for people who don’t want to kill anything but themselves. Three branches in Amsterdam, and spreading fast. Just like veganism.
Really excellent vegan pizza. Not cheap. Expensive in fact. But if you are vegan, and you love pizza, you won’t be disappointed. (Except by the price.)
. . . ALT VEGAN
From 1970-2010 (roughly), squatting — living in empty properties which you do not own — was officially tolerated in Amsterdam. At one point, there were something like 400 squatted communities in and around the city, populated mostly by artists, activists, anarchists, vegans, brewers and fire-juggling hippies. Then squatting was recriminalised and there were mass evictions. A few squats survived, however, and many of those that survived regularly make and sell cheap vegan food. Like these guys…
> DE PEPER
> MKZ
> DOKHUIS GALERIE
> JOE’S GARAGE
> MOLLI CHAOUT
Not every night of course, and often you have to book first. So you have to really want it, but if you’re into that scene, it’s worth making the effort. Follow this link and search for food….
Hello, World!
PUBS & BARS
Micro-brewery, comedy venue, social enterprise. Killer beef stew. De Prael also features prominently in The Amsterdam Good Murder Guide. What more do you want?
Right here, sitting in these chairs! tAGMuG 4.10.
In the 1600s, sailors here swapped monkeys for alcohol. The monkeys went ape and had to be stuffed. Equal parts pub, museum & magical monkey kingdom.
Another great old Amsterdam bar. This one was used as a meeting place for the Resistance during WWII. Great bitterballen. Great windows. Great anti-Nazi vibe.
HET ELFDE GEBOD / LOCATION
Quirky, charming, old-fashioned brown boozer with a surprisingly wide range of beer, uniformly excellent, chatty staff, and carpets on some of the tables. Plus: I have memories of religious figurines. Which are always nice. And in case you were wondering, which I sincerely hope you were, it means The Eleventh Commandment. And we all know what that is.
First gay-friendly bar in the world. Apparently. Great atmosphere. Another museum-type pub full of stuff. One of my absolute favourites. Really. I’ve had some of my nicest times ever in this bar. Also featured, in a pivotal scene, in The Amsterdam Good Murder Guide.
One of the best canalside pubs in the city. If you get a good seat outside on a warm day, you may never leave.
A sophisticated establishment with Art Deco light fittings, painted nymphs, and a whole lot of stuffed birds. Fancy, friendly, fun. Suer-posh restaurant upstairs.
Plus, lest we forget: tAGMuG 5.19.
Lovely modern micro-brewery and pub in the shadow of one of Amsterdam’s nine remaining windmills.
Wistful wives waved goodbye to their sailor husbands here in the 1600s. Today lots of people get married here, but don’t worry: it's not obligatory. Wonderful canal views. On pretty much any day.
Cool punky bar with indoor games, frequent live music and a stone courtyard overlooking a fat knuckle of canal. Incredibly popular in the summer.
Insanely small, incredibly dusty, utterly unique. My mum would hate it. “Open every day from 16:00 till 01:00,” says their website. “Closed Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.”
Classic.
Great live music venue. Start at Cafe Eylders next door, end the night here, dancing yourself into a pool of sweat.
If you’re looking for an unforgettable setting, this is the place. Check out the website. A phenomenal space, in the sun, and by the moon.
The Karpershoek, earlier this week.
Possibly the city’s oldest pub, definitely its most convenient, just — as it is — opposite Central Station. The perfect place for a final, tearful goodbye to Amsterdam.
markets (FOOD)
Old tram depot turned vibrant arts, fashion and food centre, featuring 20+ upmarket street food stands and ample seating. Foodies’ paradise.
A couple of minutes from the Food Hallen, this street-market has a decent range of street food and snacks, as well as lots of fresh fruit and veg. It’s on the Kinkerstraat, which is awesome. It has a cinema and everything.
Every day except Sunday in the East of the city, this is a shopping market with some of the best kibbling in town. And greedy grey herons to boot. Oh, also, if you’re low on cash, hanging around street markets at the end of the day is a great way to get 40 overripe mangoes for €3.
markets (NOT FOOD)
The city’s biggest street market is a busy, bustling multicultural melee of buying and selling. Whatever you need, you can find it here. It might not be cheap. But equally, it might.
Not a market at all but nine streets — count ‘em! — of ridiculously posh shops. If you love posh shops, the Nine Streets will please you. If you hate posh shops, for God’s sake, go find yourself a kringloopwinkel…
KRINGLOOPWINKELS / LOCATIONS
“What do you need? Chest of drawers? Bicycle tyres? Wedding dress?”
Junk stores. There are some whoppers in Amsterdam. Full details here. The Rataplans are both massive. If you really love cheap old junk, ga je gang.
The oldest and (apparently) most gezellig flea market in the city. Basically, lots and lots of cheap stuff, including giant piles of old clothes.
This is the biggest flea market in Europe. It takes place but one weekend every month. Check out the website — maybe you’ll get lucky. Maybe you’ll get really lucky and you’ll find a lost Rembrandt. Honestly? You probably will.
An award-winning coffeeshop that featured in Ocean’s 12 and is definitely one of the best. Smaller than it looks though. Maybe even smaller than it is. Whoa. Think about that.
Reliable edibles, nice environment, consistently excellent staff. Not to mention, some of the best pure white widow joints in town. If that’s your bag.
“The cosiest designated smokers area in Amsterdam”. So says their website. It may well be true. Two shops — one for buying, one for smoking.
FUNKY MUNKY / LOCATION
Decent place, friendly staff, room to spread out, but most important of all: a serviceable pool table.
museums
The gardens are free. The Dutch Masters, the VOC ship, the library, the stained glass windows, the swan. They’ll cost ya. But if you like national museums, this place will knock your socks off.
City hall, royal palace, tourist attraction: this building is Amsterdam at its most arrogant, saying, “Look at me! Look how rich and awesome I am!” Do look. It is awesome.
If you’re a Vincent fan, you’ll adore this. If you’re not sure … frankly, it could go either way. Watch the film Loving Vincent first. Then you’ll know.
Ever wondered how they made the canals? Or how they drove wooden poles 20 metres into the ground? This is the place to find out. €15 for an excellent 45-minute audio-visual tour. EXPAND YOUR MIND!
The museum itself is pretty gobsmacking, but it’s The Amsterdam — the replica ship — that you’re really paying for. Climb aboard, crawl around, pace the deck, imagine. Go early or go late, when there’s hardly anyone else there.
I love this place. It’s another modern & contemporary art & design museum but for my money it’s better than the Moco. Less Banksy, more surprises.
Always worth a visit if you like your art all audacious and challenging and a little bit silly. Warhol, Banksy, Koons, Basquiat, Emin. Lots of cool stuff. Lots of head-shaking.
Shocking image. Shocking subject. Don’t look away.
Heartbreaking and inspiring in equal measure. Then heartbreaking again. All the stories of Dutch resistance to Nazi occupation during WWII.
Then there’s Nemo (the Science Museum), Artis (the zoo), Micropia (the microbe zoo), the Katten Kabinet (the gallery of cat art), the Poesenboot (the boat full of actual cats), Rembrandt House, The Anne Frank House (aim to book at least six weeks ahead to avoid disappointment) and of course, The Museum Vrolik, a showcase for the human body, in all of its wonder and weirdness. Not to mention more than 60 others. More cultural attractions than any other city in the world in fact! So they say.
And if you’re going to go to four or more museums, it might be worth investing in a Museumcard. (But equally, it might not. Check carefully. Some museums, like the Moco and Straat, don’t accept it.) If you’re an absolute museum-freak, however, it may well be worth it.
parks
Each of Amsterdam’s parks has its own peculiarities that make it special and well worth your time, but if I had to pick three…
HET VONDELPARK / LOCATION
This is DUTCH PARK NUMERO EEN. Make no mistake. It has ponds and play areas and bars and recitals and festivals and even its own goddamn Picasso sculpture. Hire a bicycle. It’s magical.
HET AMSTERDAMSE BOS / LOCATION
2,500 acres of lakes, ponds, streams, gardens and sporting activities. Great for walking. Great for wildlife. Totally man-made. Classic Dutch.
HET AMSTELPARK / LOCATION
This one requires a cycle ride out of town but it’s worth it. Seriously. Go see the red squirrels and the kangaroos. I ain’t lyin’.
random fun stuff
This is a bunch of random fun stuff that you could do anywhere. But you’re not doing it anywhere. You’re doing it in Amsterdam. Good for you. First, three places to play pool, in three different parts of town…
THE POOLBAR / WEBSITE / LOCATION
PLAN B / WEBSITE / LOCATION
POOLLOKAAL DE GRACHT / WEBSITE / LOCATION
Great moments. Great moments.
Kind of annoying place in my honest old man’s opinion, but it does have 10-pin bowling. It also has mini-golf and laser games and karaoke.
Like a giant board game, with Amsterdam as the board and you and your friends as the pieces. A fun, fascinating and uniquely fun way to explore the city.
AND FINALLY . . .
* Hire a bike. Amsterdam is best experienced on two wheels, and in the sun. You can’t guarantee the sun. But you can always hire a bike. Do it. If you can. It’s liberating. Bikeisready is one of many hire options.
* Ride the ferries behind Central Station. It’s cheaper than a canal cruise — it’s free, in fact — and it’s lovely. When I first moved here, I’d go back and forth all morning, just for kicks.
* Then… explore the north, preferably by bicycle. Get out into the countryside. Hunt the windmills. Smell the cows. Friend of mine offers electric bike tours if you’re keen…
* Get on the water if you can. Get in the water if you feel you have to, but if it’s a canal cruise you’re after, Those Dam Boat Guys give good tour.
* Hang out in the underpass of the Rijksmuseum for a while and listen to the musicians who play there. It’s the best busking spot in Europe. So they say.
* Buy, read and review The Amsterdam Good Murder Guide.
It’s the book Amsterdam has been waiting for, and it needs your help.
Finally, if you do visit any of the above places on my recommendation, please tell them that Karl Webster (the award-winning author of The Amsterdam Good Murder Guide) sent you. They won’t know what the hell you’re talking about, obviously, but that’s how it starts. This time in two years: Netflix.
Thanks.
Enjoy Amsterdam.
Enjoy the rest of your life.
I love you.
Let me know in the comments if this has been of any use to you. If you like. Also if you want to tell me how wrong I am about anything, be my guest. Finally, if you can’t believe I’m missing such-and-such a place, please, enlighten me.
Cheers!
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