Fifteen Shades of Grey :: The Worst Sentences from the Worst Novel in the History of the Written Word

Fifty Shades of Grey is the worst novel I have ever read. Let's face it, it's the worst novel anyone has ever read, even if not everyone knows it. Earlier this decade, when I discovered that it had become the most popular book in British history, I compiled a list of the worst 15 sentences in the book.

They are, as you will see, dreadful. They also appear in the order they appear in the book and give a pretty accurate digested version of the story. So if you haven't it read yet, don't. Just read these sentences instead, then go do something less depressing. Visit Auschwitz maybe. 



1. ‘The elevator whisks me with terminal velocity to the twentieth floor.’

2. ‘His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something.’

3. ‘I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of the communist manifesto.’

4. ‘He’s staring into my eyes, and I hold his anxious, burning gaze for a moment or maybe it’s forever, but eventually, my attention is drawn to his beautiful mouth.’

5. ‘Michelangelo’s David has nothing on him.’

6. ‘“Aargh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity.’

7. ‘Two orgasms… coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow.’

8. ‘His hands glide across to my breasts, and I inhale sharply as his fingers encircle them and start kneading gently, taking no prisoners.’

9. ‘He kisses me passionately, forcing my lips apart with his tongue, taking no prisoners.’

10. ‘I’m all rabbit/headlights, moth/flame, bird/snake… and he knows exactly what he’s doing to me.’

11. ‘I cry out – from the slap and from his sudden assault, and I come instantly again and again, falling apart beneath him as he continues to slam deliciously into me.’

12. ‘He flicks the crop and it hits my sweet spot with a sharp slap, and I come, gloriously, shouting my release.’

13. ‘“I’ll agree to the fisting, but I’d really like to claim your ass, Anastasia … Your ass will need training.”’

14. ‘He is without a doubt the most beautiful man on the planet, too beautiful for the little people below, too beautiful for me.’

15. ‘No man is an island, I muse – except perhaps Christian Grey.’

Featured image from here.

About the Author

I am Karl Webster. I wrote these words. If you liked them, you'll be overjoyed to know that there are plenty more where they came from. So you should definitely sign up to my newsletter if you haven't already.

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