Duncan Bannatyne Walks Into A Bar…

Barman: Why the long face?

Bannatyne: Who’s got a long face? What are you trying to say?

Barman: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. I was just – it was just the first line of a joke, I…

Bannatyne: A joke? Is that your idea of a joke? You repeat that and I’ll sue you for every penny you’ll ever earn.

Barman: But –

Bannatyne: What if my boy, the wee man had heard that? And his friends? You know how cruel kids can be. What if my wife had heard it? What if – what was that?

Barman: What was what?

Bannatyne: Don’t come the innocent with me, Sonny Jim. What was that look you just gave me?

Barman: I – I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about. I think you might be mentally ill.

Bannatyne: You must think I was born yesterday, do you? Are you saying I’m paranoid, is that what you’re saying?

Barman: I –

Bannatyne: I saw it, man! I’m not a child! When I mentioned my wife, something passed over your eyes. You’re saying she’s having an affair. Is that what you’re saying?

Barman: Listen, mate. I don’t know what’s going on in your personal life, but you’re behaving a little bit strangely here, and there are people watching – you might want to tone it down a little. This might end up embarrassing your kids a little more than if you’d just kept your mouth shut.

Bannatyne: Don’t you fucking DARE tell me I’m behaving strangely. DON’T YOU DARE! Do you know who I am? Do you know how much money I earned last year. I had nothing when I was growing up. Nothing! I WAS BORN IN A SEWER! Now I’m one of the richest men in the world! I am an entrepreneur! I AM A PHILANTHROPIST!!! Do you have any idea how many children’s lives I have saved? I should be made a fucking GOD and you have the temerity to stand there and tell me fucking jokes about my wife and children?!

Barman: I’m sorry, mate. Please calm down. This is a family pub. There are kids over there, you’re frightening them….

Bannatyne: Don’t you bully me. I piss in your kids’ eyes without the slightest hint of hypocrisy. I am the Lord God Duncan Bannatyne and I will NOT be intimidated or questioned or even looked at in the wrong way by you or by anyone else. I’ll tell you where YOU are now, you impudent swine: YOU’RE FIRED.

Barman: That’s the wrong catchphrase, mate.

Bannatyne: Then you’re barred! Get out of my sight.

Barman: It’s my pub, mate.

Bannatyne: Then I will buy it from you and burn it to the ground. How much do you want for it?

Barman: Listen, Mr Bannatyne. I don’t want your money. I’m happy that you’ve got so much of it, I really am. Although frankly speaking, it doesn’t seem to have made you very happy. Which – now that I come to think about it – is probably why you’ve got such a long face.

Bannatyne: But –

Barman: I think you should leave.

Bannatyne: Can I tell you where I am now?

Barman: Just leave.


This joke is a response to something that happened this weekend on Twitter. It is explained here.

Just in case there is any question, let me just ram the message home: IT IS A JOKE and is not meant to imply that Duncan Bannatyne’s wife is having an affair (although she might be, and few could blame her) or that Duncan Bannatyne has no sense of humour. He definitely does. He makes jokes about suicide.

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