Today I was going to write something about Ryanair, who mugged me to the tune of €40 last Friday, and totally got away with it, but I ended up spending most of the day writing up The Battle of the Oranges and then having a little bit of a breakdown by the canal that runs past my sister’s back garden.
By the side of a canal is really one of the last places you want to find yourself weeping in public and wondering what you have done with your life. The top of a very tall building is another. Sunderland is a third. Sunderland of course is one of the last places you want to find yourself doing anything at all.
As I was walking along the canal I thought about drowning myself. I didn’t think of doing it because I was seriously considering taking my own life. I thought of doing it because I am a writer, and that is what writers do. They imagine doing things or seeing things that might not necessarily ever actually happen.
For example, I am now thinking about drowning Michael O’Leary, the founder of Ryanair. I would never do it in real life of course, even if I had the opportunity, but for now, because I am a writer, I am imagining kneeling on his chest on the bank of the canal that runs through Fleet and pushing down on his forehead, so that his eyes, nose and mouth (if you like, his face) are submerged in the canal, and his lungs are filling up with water. Oh, wait – I have just imagined that prior to getting him to the canal, I hacked off his arms with an axe – rather a blunt axe – it took ages, and I charged him €40 for the privilege. The dismemberment was really just to make him less likely to be able to resist my cold-bloodedly murdering him in the canal. Realism is important, you see. Or at least it is to me. That’s the sort of writer I am. Sadly, it is not the sort of person I am.
Which is why I was having a little breakdown by the canal.
I am fed up with myself, and my foolish dreams. But tomorrow is another day. So they say. And they are right. It is. Tomorrow I may write about Ryanair. Although frankly I have lots of other things to write, so maybe I shouldn’t bother. I mean, I probably shouldn’t bother anyway, but really – smokeless cigarettes? I… I….
We’ll see. In the meantime, please read this. I’d like to know what you think.