Duncan Bannatyne Walks Into A Bar…

Barman: Why the long face?

Bannatyne: Who’s got a long face? What are you trying to say?

Barman: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. I was just – it was just the first line of a joke, I…

Bannatyne: A joke? Is that your idea of a joke? You repeat that and I’ll sue you for every penny you’ll ever earn.

Barman: But –

Bannatyne: What if my boy, the wee man had heard that? And his friends? You know how cruel kids can be. What if my wife had heard it? What if – what was that?

Barman: What was what?

Bannatyne: Don’t come the innocent with me, Sonny Jim. What was that look you just gave me?

Barman: I – I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about. I think you might be mentally ill.

Bannatyne: You must think I was born yesterday, do you? Are you saying I’m paranoid, is that what you’re saying?

Barman: I –

Bannatyne: I saw it, man! I’m not a child! When I mentioned my wife, something passed over your eyes. You’re saying she’s having an affair. Is that what you’re saying?

Barman: Listen, mate. I don’t know what’s going on in your personal life, but you’re behaving a little bit strangely here, and there are people watching – you might want to tone it down a little. This might end up embarrassing your kids a little more than if you’d just kept your mouth shut.

Bannatyne: Don’t you fucking DARE tell me I’m behaving strangely. DON’T YOU DARE! Do you know who I am? Do you know how much money I earned last year. I had nothing when I was growing up. Nothing! I WAS BORN IN A SEWER! Now I’m one of the richest men in the world! I am an entrepreneur! I AM A PHILANTHROPIST!!! Do you have any idea how many children’s lives I have saved? I should be made a fucking GOD and you have the temerity to stand there and tell me fucking jokes about my wife and children?!

Barman: I’m sorry, mate. Please calm down. This is a family pub. There are kids over there, you’re frightening them….

Bannatyne: Don’t you bully me. I piss in your kids’ eyes without the slightest hint of hypocrisy. I am the Lord God Duncan Bannatyne and I will NOT be intimidated or questioned or even looked at in the wrong way by you or by anyone else. I’ll tell you where YOU are now, you impudent swine: YOU’RE FIRED.

Barman: That’s the wrong catchphrase, mate.

Bannatyne: Then you’re barred! Get out of my sight.

Barman: It’s my pub, mate.

Bannatyne: Then I will buy it from you and burn it to the ground. How much do you want for it?

Barman: Listen, Mr Bannatyne. I don’t want your money. I’m happy that you’ve got so much of it, I really am. Although frankly speaking, it doesn’t seem to have made you very happy. Which – now that I come to think about it – is probably why you’ve got such a long face.

Bannatyne: But –

Barman: I think you should leave.

Bannatyne: Can I tell you where I am now?

Barman: Just leave.


This joke is a response to something that happened this weekend on Twitter. It is explained here.

Just in case there is any question, let me just ram the message home: IT IS A JOKE and is not meant to imply that Duncan Bannatyne’s wife is having an affair (although she might be, and few could blame her) or that Duncan Bannatyne has no sense of humour. He definitely does. He makes jokes about suicide.

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19 Responses to Duncan Bannatyne Walks Into A Bar…

  1. Heather says:

    Absolutely hilarious! Well done and you played a blinder with that last link! What a hypocritical, egotistical, sad sad man DB has shown himself to be…

  2. pete says:

    I hope you do this for a living… Excellent

  3. Pingback: Tweets that mention The Ugly Truth » Duncan Bannatyne Walks Into A Bar… -- Topsy.com

  4. Pam Nash says:

    Absolutely spot on – I take my hat off to you! :)

  5. Dubs says:

    Genius. God bless you Sir. Lets hope the miserably hypocritical humourless arse has one of his lackeys read it to him.

  6. BNM says:

    What a twat. Not you.

  7. DWalker says:

    Absolute Genius – keep up the good work. I detest bullies, especially old, rich, celebrity courting ones !

  8. Larry T says:

    It’s funny, but the phrase “I will sue you for as much as I can” is only ever uttered by complete wankers. Mostly – but not always – it’s wankers who are too busy counting their money in the cellar to notice that their wives are having it off with elephant-cocked postmen upstairs.

  9. Sarah says:

    Do you think we should tell Duncan that it is apologise not opologise?!
    Great blog BTW x

  10. CharonQC says:

    Exceptional – and very funny!

    I added it to my Bananatyne post with link back….. natch!

    Excellent!

  11. Ssdave says:

    Total class

  12. This is literally the funniest thing I’ve ever read in my entire life.
    you should go into animation and make a ‘family-guy-like- sketch of this.
    bravo.

  13. bluejag (John) says:

    Haaaaaa! Totally brilliant! Fannytyne will HATE this! Serve him right! What an insecure humourless patronising bully.

  14. Doocan says:

    I think you’re a bit up your own arse mate

  15. Hanna says:

    this is hilarious, but there’s no need for people to speak so rudely about him in the comments. he’s a lovely bloke, i’ve known him and his family for years. one of the nicest and level headed men i have ever met. all of you, grow up and go spend time spitting feathers at someone who actually cares, and leave him to relax in his well deserved villa in the south of france while you all dwell in your council houses.

  16. James says:

    ‘Hanna’ the typical brainless sycophantic Bannatyne fan… ^

  17. Karl Webster says:

    Hey, hey, hey. HEY, HEY!!! No squabbling now.

    Thank you for your kind words, those that left them.

    Pete, I don’t! It’s not right, is it? Come on, man. Pull your finger out. Make it so.

    Doocan, there is little doubt about that. (You disguised your name very well by the way. Well done.)

    Hanna, I’m sure he is. Well, not sure. Terrible taste in music, that’s for sure. (And a bit of a dick online. Is that fair? Yes.)

  18. Luke says:

    I walk past bannantynes head office every day to get to collage, every time I see it now i will probobly break down in lafter lol, this guy is a genius.

  19. Bronwen Davies says:

    As I survivor of Duncan Bannatyne’s vindictive and unpleasant behaviour (as well as of his contempt for the law – see his outburst on Twitter following my appearance on BBC Wales TV news last Wednesday 16th November), this made me laugh out loud. My brother sent me the link – I’ll certainly be passing it on. Many thanks, much love.

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